Back to business as usual. Kind of. You never quite go all the way back, and when you do go back what was there isn't the same anyway.
Fair warning: anyone who is not comfortable with hearing about my loony meds stories, and I'm advised there are a few of you out there, go ahead and take a bathroom break or something. Like it or not, this is a signficant part of my life right now, and if I can't share it with a few hundred thousand internet friends, who can I share it with? Besides, there still have to be a few laughs left to be wrung out of the topic.
I had a world-class weekend. Everything that has made my life richer in the last few years was present: old friends, new friends, good food, bad music, things I never saw before, thoughts I never thought before, hysterical laughter, mild laughter, friends I saw again for the first time in years, friends I may never see again, friends I've never seen and probably won't, friends I thought I'd lost but probably didn't, hidden treasures in a vibrant city, more good food, more bad music. Because I stopped my anti-depressants a week or so ago, for financial reasons as much as anything, I believe I've enjoyed these things more--certainly the bad music. I also think my postings to this blog have gotten closer to what I would like them to be, even though I seem to have scared the shit out of some people. But the other side of the coin is that the moment the festivities ended, I was awash in sadness and loss. There's nothing to hang on to, the moments are gone. And worse, the floodgates are open to re-experiencing all the loss of the last several years, an ocean of loss, did I really forget it was there? I don't have a clue if other people experience this, or how strongly, but my overriding thought is where the FUCK are those fucking PILLS?? I am going to go out and find a pharmacist at his fucking HOUSE watching the fucking football game and force him at gunpoint to open up the fucking store and GIVE ME MY PILLS! But those pills, and I know this for a fact, do not fix anything, they just paper over things. Please understand, I know that for many people they're a necessity, they're crippled without them, and more power to them. But for me, at this point--at this juncture - they're just postponing the application of courage. I want the intensity back, and I can't choose only the positive part of it, so bring it on. But shit it hurts sometimes. Okay, I'm done. Invite the others back in the room. If you made it this far without a surreptitious eye-roll, you're my pal.
'kay, I promise the next post will be chock full of the snotty facetiousness you've come to expect. I shit you not.