THE 2006 WALLY TORTA HOLIDAY ORNAMENT

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This precious keepsake ornament can be yours for only....free! Just burn this on a CD and hang the CD on your Holiday Tree! Voila! Now when you celebrate the birth of the Holiday Baby, there will be Wally Torta right there celebrating with you! Woof! Woof! Woof! Or if your preference is to celebrate the rededication of the Holiday Temple after the Chosen Holiday People defeated the Hellenist Syrians, good old Wally Torta will be right at your shoulder cheering you on, with his Holiday Member all circumscribed and everything. Or let's say you've beheaded a Holiday Tree for exposing its branches to infidels, and it's now sitting in your living room. Wally Torta can be there is spirit, metaphorically strapping explosives to his ample waistline and metaphorically preparing to meet his 72 Holiday Girls. Whatever your poison, Wally Torta is right there, baby! And the best part is it's free, so you can dump even more of your hard-earned dough into the maw of our smoke-mirrors-and-useless-disposable-goods economy and we can all go crazy with consumer lust like a nut-cracking sugar high, and we dance in the streets to visions of Holiday Plums, spurred into a frenzy by piped-in Holiday Carols and crystal-methed into nuclear nerve synapse detonation by Holiday TV Commercials, and we bounce up and down the aisles chock full of expensive crap which will entertain its recipients for whole days before being bulldozed into our purple mount trashmore majesties, and we eventually sink back into our post-coital comas where we can be shitty to each other again.

--Scroogy