THE WEDDING PLANNER

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If something needs a planner, you know it's gotten too big. Huge weddings are so pitiful, it's like the bride's trying to impress upon the groom just how final this thing is. Wishful thinking! She wants him to think it's like electing a pope or something. You can't just abdicate the throne every time you feel like getting a little Judaism on the side. But guys just don't get the message. All they're thinking is, okay, she got a 20 brazilian dollar wedding, now I won't feel guilty about buying a Double Hummer with a plasma TV in the back seat. And what's the deal with airline food? Sorry, I was drifting into a Seinfeld monologue there. Did you know they don't celebrate Memorial Day in Portugal? Bastards.