NECK

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Life is too saturated with irony, like a hamburger dripping grease on your pants. A short while ago, having leaked various fluids into various receptacles, I was sitting in my doctor's examining room, staring at a lurid poster showing the various kinds of open sores that can be caused by diabetes or something, the clear implication being that this is what can happen if you don't listen to your doctor. I was trying to find something else to look at when Dr. Puttanesca breezed in and announced that my triglycerides were elevated. I knew I should have collected that specimen sitting down! He then proceeded to entertain me with the magician's parlor trick of reading my mind and writing down a list of all my favorite foods. The medical twist to the trick was that he then handed me the list and said, "Don't eat any of this stuff." I'm guessing that medical research has revealed that severe depression lowers your triglycerides. What he would prefer that I eat was beans, nuts, and oatmeal. This is a diet that would depress a squirrel. I was tempted to say, "Gee, Doc, what is Euell Gibbons doing these days? Running in marathons or pulling tractors or the like? What's that you say? He's dead? What a shame. How did he die? Exposure on Mount Everest? Fell off a cliff during the Tour de France? No? Heart attack, you say! Huh!" <-- that "huh" represents the irony of which I spoke at the top of this screed.

Now, with the advantage of hindsight, I look back on Dr. Puttanesca's words of advice with a rueful smile twinged with a soupçon of regret. I knew I shouldn't have gone to the doctor! Cost me a $25 co-pay too!