THINGS I SAW YESTERDAY

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Not just yesterday, but within the span of about 20 minutes! That's the kind of crazy adventurous life I lead. Just one thing after another. The mayhem began at the crack of dawn. While I was walking to the bus, I discovered my shirt collar buttons were unbuttoned! And I couldn't for the life of me get them buttoned! And here comes the bus! The tension was so thick it was like a thigh. The problem was, the night before, in a freak accident, I tore off the leading edge off my thumbnail, an essential tool in the complex process of buttoning a shirt-collar button. Okay, let me temper that a little. It was a freak accident only in that it involved me. It was a fairly common accident involving, okay, a zipper. And it was only a nick. But nicks bother me to the point where I'm not a fully-functioning human being until I even out the crescent using a sophisticated chewing process. By the time I've achieved perfect symmetry, it usually involves the loss of the entire nail and a quarter inch of actual thumb material. But I have learned over the years that it eventually grows back, like half a worm. That said, it makes the task of buttoning shirt-collar buttons the equivalent of an elephant sending a text message. So, point being, I lead quite an eventful life, kind of like the guy in that movie Crank, who has to keep his adrenaline level above a certain point or else something really bad happens, like the movie gets really dull. Okay, you youngsters out there: the above is what happens when you drink a double espresso first thing in the morning.