Ever wake up and discover that every single thing about your life is devoid of color or flavor? Like you've been put on a no-sodium lo-cal diet, except there's no payoff at the end? You tell yourself that everything's exactly the way it was yesterday--the sky's just as blue, the grits taste just like grits, but somehow the emotional content is just not there. Or like you're an actor in a B movie, an Adam Sandler vehicle maybe, and it's not horrible but it's not in the least funny. And what's worse is you can't think of a thing to attach this to, an event that explains things. It just seems random, as if a giant ball of mucus fell from the sky, and today you're the one it fell on.

I'm not saying I feel this way, I was just posing a hypothetical question. Tell you the truth, I'm like a male Reese Witherspoon, all chirpy and shit. If I ever felt that way, I would take a couple of Effexors, an Airborne, count my blessings, whistle a happy tune, maybe "Sometimes When We Touch", by Dan Hill, and then I'd be just fine. Because today is the first day of the rest of my life.