MY NEW SUIT

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I bought it in New York, so I know it's hip and edgy, despite a few misgivings. I haven't been able to bring myself to wear it yet, because it's probably only good for one time, being made of paper and all, and also because it seems to only consist of what you see here, a front sleeveless top, which means it's bound to create a hubbub when I wear it in public. I guess in New York, it would hardly raise an eyebrow, but here at Pat Robertson's back door, it would cause old ladies to topple like flower-scented dominos. So I leave it in its cellophane home and wait for the day when it would be worth the risk. Maybe I could wear it to Tuscany; the jaded decadent Tuscanians have seen everything by now.

I was vaguely aware of its shortcomings when I bought it, but the inclusion of a watch tipped the scales for me. American marketers could learn a thing or two here. If you have a slow-moving product, throw in a watch. I would buy those hateful rice cakes that Quaker puts out if they included watches. I would watch Katie Couric if CBS sent me a watch in advance. But it would have to be a really good watch.