My goal is to cause as much head-scratching as humanly possible, for I have invested my 401k in Arthur Treacher's Scalp Salve, in which, unless I am very much mistaken, there will very shortly be a frenzied run. The only hitch in my devilishly clever plan is that I am almost always very much mistaken, so this plan will certainly fail. My "safety net", as it were, is that I have no funds in my 401k, so I stand to lose nothing when my plan plummets into the sea, trailing the greasy smoke of failure. I'm getting pretty adept at this zero-sum thing, which, take my word for it, is an improvement over past performance.