DOC

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Don't let the cute hummelesque rendering fool you--the doc is a bitter man who clings to guns and religion and whatnot, and who claimed to have landed last month at Boston's Logan Airport amid heavy sniper fire, which I'm 80% sure is not true. Plus, as I have documented in great detail on this blog, yet the major newswires have inexplicably failed to pick it up, he has on at least two occasions tried to run me down with one of his luxury automobiles. Not that others don't routinely try it, but he has come the closest, nicking me on the left buttock, causing it to swell to the size of a grapefruit that's larger than any grapefruit you've ever seen, to my great embarrassment. It was like my left buttock were just offering my wallet to all passersby. Thank god I have nothing in it but a VIC card from Harris Teeter. That means "very important customer", and it permits me to sample produce and crackers and stuff while I'm shopping. At least I pretend that's what it means.