COFFEEHOUSE LIGHT

I made three New Year's resolutions yesterday, rather ambitious ones. The first was to wear a rainbow-colored unitard and carry a shepherd's crook whenever I went to the grocery store; the second was to translate Shakespeare's sonnets into Russian and read them to hot women; and the third was to yodel my way through the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams every night. Now it's New Year's night and I've already broken two of them. I know I set the bar high this year. But I think I kind of took it easy on myself last year--vowing to eat more puffy Cheetos--and consequently I didn't grow as a person. Well, I grew, but not in the way I had intended. I haven't given up on this year yet. I have two alternate resolutions to replace the ones I broke: to recycle my urine, and to key seven Escalades.