DAVID HUGHES, BERNICE, 2 KAVANAGHS

The sink in my bathroom has faucet handles that turn differently from the other faucets. This has caused me to think about turning faucets instead of just turning them. So now when I'm, say, in an edit facility in Richmond, I'll hesitate before turning a faucet and try to guess the right way to turn it, and choose wrong, and tighten an already-turned-off faucet, forcing myself to turn it back the other way really hard, causing the water to explode out of the faucet, wetting the front of my pants, making me have to grab a magazine from next to the toilet to shield myself with as I walk through the studio, making people wonder why I would bother stealing old audio magazines, which is still better than wondering about incontinence. I talk about topics like this to avoid talking about the Republicans, who would rather see this country in misery than help fix things, because I don't want to bore the pants off people with my rants, because there are very few of you I have any interest in seeing pantsless, any more than you would want to see me with a wet pants front.