ARCHIVES: SEAFOOD BEAUTY QUEEN

If lexicographers ruled the world (and if we can elect as our President a man who's a USA-hating Muslim who wasn't even born here and whose goal in life is to convert us to a Socialist police state, then anything's possible!) I would petition the be-bowtied powers that be to unilaterally declare a new amendment to the Constitution that would forbid the words "seafood" and "beauty" to appear in the same sentence. Ever.

Why? I'm glad I pretended you asked. Try this little exercise: lie back in your La-Z-Boy or whatnot, close your eyes, and call forth in your tiny brains the scariest monster movie you ever saw. Got it? Now, what did the monster in that movie look like? That's right! Seafood! The tentacles, the suckers, the popped eyes, the scales, the gills--oh jesus, the gills! The sea is teeming with tiny monsters. And not so tiny ones too, these days! Remember those humongous squids they found off the coast of California? Okay, wait, never mind, I forgot California is the only state that has medical marijuana. Do you think they see giant squids in Kansas? Not hardly. Now where was I? I kind of lost the thread here. Only one solution: more gin!