PLACEMAT NUMBER TWO

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Forget expensive breathalyzer tests--doodled placemats are much more accurate as a means of assessing states of inebriation. Less invasive too. The only time I was ever breathalyzed, the examiner said "did you have scallops for dinner?" There is no dignity. You heedless arrogant young punks will find out soon enough. The older you get, the harder it gets to maintain your dignity, that's been my experience. But then why are there whole classes of dignified oldsters? Judges and shit. Don't judges put their pants on one leg at a time? And don't they fart while doing so? I don't get it. Maybe they're senile and they just think they're being dignified. That would explain a lot. The "corporations are people" thing, for one.