The other day a friend advised me not to get into a pissing contest with someone. I was stunned. I had no idea there were such contests, and I knew nothing about them: were there entry fees? Who was going to judge it? What kinds of prizes were there?--that kind of thing. Upon reflection, though, I realized that I would do very very badly in such a contest. I'm what you would call a leisurely practitioner, as opposed to these testostemen who stride up to the urinal and let go as if they were a Southern sheriff aiming a firehose at peace marchers. I can envision being in the midst of competition and having a referee tap me on the shoulder. "Shake a leg, grandpop! We've got to set up for the freestyle competition." So I will definitely rule out entering pissing contests, and will content myself with the knowledge that this other person, whom I've always thought of as a hateful bastard, engages in public urination for prizes.