TIME TO MAKE THE COFFEE

People ask me, why not bike instead of walk for your exercise? All right, person. And I would answer thusly: Fuck you, leave me alone! I don’t even know you! But that wouldn’t be an appropriate thing to say on a blog, so I won’t. What I would say to this obnoxious, intrusive person is: I can walk to the 7-11 in about an hour or so, and bonus! I come back with an armload of tasty Hostess products! To use up the same energy on a bike, I’d have to pedal to Petersburg and back. Plus I’d have to wear one of those hats that make me look like an extra in a bad SyFy series. And then there’s the screaming berserk SUV drivers who are bent on converting all bikers into little impromptu shrines by the side of the road. That isn’t about biking, of course. It’s a class war. Sure, bikers can be arrogant assholes, but come on, they’re a bunch of skinny little guys wobbling around on bikes, and you’re grinding around in a big-ass smoke-belching SUV. Around these parts, when someone makes you feel guilty, you don’t rethink your priorities, you wipe out the guilt-causer. It’s the same for climate change, it’s the same for Food, Inc., it’s the same for the widening income gap, it’s the same for the homeless. It’s what we do. It’s the American way.